If there was a book on mothering in the time of COVID-19 I probably wouldn't have read it because I’m tired as a mother. I cannot remember the last time I read for fun, especially now during a global f*cking pandemic. For the last few months much of my job has been to closely track the evolution of the novel Coronavirus. For those of you also following along, it is exhausting right? Information, recommendations, and guidance change by what feels like the day. There are only so many hours to read what’s published and process what information is worth retaining from the loads of misinformation not grounded in any scientific base. For those of you not following Coronavirus, ignorance is bliss. Where do I sign up?
March 16, 2020 was the day my sons’ daycare closed due to Coronavirus. That date is cemented in my mind. Their daycare wouldn’t open again for three months, with limited hours and availability once it did reopen. But you know what? I am so grateful they are open again and willing to implement the safety measures necessary to protect staff and children alike and allow us parents to get a much needed break from 24/7 parenting and focus solely on work. I no longer have to pick the priority of the day: caring for my kids or meeting productivity standards to keep my job. Because after all, if I don’t have a job, I don’t have income, and I can’t afford North Jersey daycare costs, which allow me to work and provide a comfortable life for my children.
For the first month of the pandemic I split my days half in the office and half at home working remotely. I was able to switch my five day a week schedule to working four longer days with a day off to watch my sons so my husband could have a break from watching them and focus on keeping his job. It wasn’t until a month into the pandemic that I think my work felt sorry for me and let me work three days remotely and one day in the office. I visibly looked exhausted and overwhelmed and I stopped trying because I didn’t have any more energy to spare. For a month my husband and I didn’t have any help. All we had was each other and we tried to balance keeping our jobs while also taking care of our two little boys. And each day I felt more and more pressure to perform at work because reopening post COVID-19 is essential to maintaining employment.
I spent the first two months of the pandemic juggling being a mom and a worker bee and I’m ashamed to admit that I often put work first as I didn’t feel I had a choice. During another Zoom meeting my eldest was calling for me and instead of going to him, I felt I had to stay present in the meeting to prove I was working diligently despite being remote. My son was calling for me because he needed to go to the bathroom and needed my help. I ignored him. By not coming to his aid he had no choice, but to relieve his bowels in his diaper because young children, even those potty trained, are still learning bowel and bladder control. I know shit happens, but that was unfair to him. A lot of my choices were. That was the catalyst to change my mind and attitude.
This experience has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I learned about myself and can now look back and appreciate the journey. Work is necessary to survive, but my children are more important than anything. Their happiness and well being should never come second, even to work, and especially during a pandemic. I view the time as a blessing as I had the privilege of being able to spend time that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to with them for three long months. Within days of daycare closing I was able to witness my baby successfully crawl and later cheer on his clumsy attempts at steps. I was able to see my toddler transform into a baby saying a few short phrases to a “big little boy” who engages in full blown conversations. Pre-Covid I was anti TV. Post-Covid I’m pro TV and by any means necessary (that obviously doesn’t harm them). Despite Paw Patrol and Fireman Sam on repeat, my toddler is still developing. He is smart and tech savvy. Just yesterday, he turned on the iPad, unlocked it, and opened YouTube Kids to watch trucks. Not only did I get to spend time with the boys, but I also got to spend more time with my husband and watch him take on more of a primary caregiver role. Despite all the pressure he felt juggling his work and parenthood, he never complained. He suited up, stepped on home plate, and hit a grand slam every time. I’m glad he’s my person and my copilot on this adventure.
Lastly, I learned to be more kind to myself. I’m not a failure if I can’t get everything I set to accomplish done. There will be many more times for me to outperform, but a pandemic isn’t the time. Sometimes you have to ask for help and actually be ok relinquishing control. Other times you have to advocate for yourself and reset expectations placed on you. Self care is vital and I started making time for myself and the things that make me happy. I went on long walks with my kids strapped in the stroller and slow strolls holding my eldest son’s hand on a search for trucks in all shapes and sizes. I rode the Peloton most days of the week. And I went to my zen place and baked everything and anything filled with sugar. I started a garden and ate a ton of vegetables. I also indulged in carrot cake and chocolate chip cookies because dessert makes me happy. I started putting less pressure on myself and in turn experienced less guilt when I couldn’t meet my own expectations. I’m doing the best I can and it’s enough. All work and no play is not the way to successfully mother during a pandemic.
This pandemic isn’t over for many. Luckily for us in New Jersey cases are at a low and hopefully they stay that way. There is still no book on mothering in the time of COVID-19 and I definitely wouldn’t read it if it was available. I’m still tired as a mother and imagine I will be for the next 17 years. But I am grateful that my family and I have made it through the initial storm and came out stronger together. I appreciate the lessons in the hardship and will keep striving to be the best mother I can be before all other responsibilities.
